It was January 23-28. The year was 2007. I was to attend a workshop for research students at the Australian National University, Canberra. My course fees and airfare had been approved and paid for, however, my choice of accommodation was deemed too expensive, and alternative lodgings were arranged by the MARCS labs. The ANU on-campus rooms were occupied, so they booked me a room at Fenner Hall. The twin towers of Fenner Hall represent student accommodation gone wrong. For those of you who do not believe in hell, you should start believing because I have seen it with my own eyes, and it is called Fenner Hall. I was staying on level three, in
cell room 360. Room 360 was two large steps wide and three and a half steps long. Inside was a bed, a wardrobe, a sink/desk, two chairs and a couple of shelves. It was located directly opposite the unisex toilet/bath/shower, and down the hall from the 24 hour laundry with the broken and clattering washing machine. Inside Room 360, the temperature was a constant 30 degrees due to the fact that it was located directly above the kitchen. Level three was home to 6 students and 13 million cockroaches. I was told that you multiply the number of roaches you see by one million (because that's how many you don't see). I saw 13 on my first night. I was also told to fumigate my luggage before I went home so that I
don't take the cockies back home. Lovely.
For one week, my days consisted of walking in the freezing Canberra morning air (for 35 minutes) to the ANU campus, where I was met with an 8 hour workshop on statistics and research methods! Then I would have the pleasure of walking back to Fenner Hall in the boiling 35 degree Canberra afternoon sunshine. Upon my arrival, I would inspect my room for any surprise six-legged visitors, then eat something in the communal kitchen/tv room/dirty plate storage area. Afterwards, I would shower in the unisex bathroom/bath/shower before returning to
cell room 360 to get dressed. I would spend the evenings watching the Australian Open on the wooden television in the communal kitchen/tv room/dirty plate storage area, before retiring to the bed in
cell room 360 which was about 30 cm too short for me and would leave a charming line across the back of my calves when I arose the next morning.
Slowly the minutes became hours, which in turn became days. Friday came and I was ready to
break out leave Fenner Hall. I completed the laughable, mandatory form. "Are the following items in your room: Bed, Cupboard, Chair" - these people were serious! Nah, the bed's gone. "Have you vacuumed the room and wiped down all surfaces?" And, they would charge $50 if you hadn't wiped and vacuumed! $50! The room was 3 square metres! I wrote on the form that I had only stayed there for five days and that I was not going to vacuum or wipe anything. In truth, I gave the shelves and the sink/desk a quick once over with my bath towel. I glanced back as I was leaving
cell room 360. I stood there for a second, staring at the yellow sweat-outline of a person on the bedsheets. I made for the elevator as I felt an imaginary cockroach crawl down my back. I deposited my magnetic swipe key, access card and form in the returns slot on the ground floor and bolted out the front door... to freedom.
