Do we still need beauty pageants?

Before I address that question, please allow me to set the scene. The year is 2007. Climate change is a serious problem. Greece is burning to a cinder. An idiot is in charge in the White House. NASA astronauts are traveling across the US in nappies. Australians are worried about horse flu.

Do we really need beauty pageants in this day and age? Are they necessary or even useful? Watch the embedded video and tell me what you think:

Ahh, the irony. In response to a question re: the idiocy of the American population, Miss South Carolina demonstrates said idiocy first hand.

So, do we need beauty pageants? Well, what do they provide? We get to look at pretty women in dresses and swim suits, and then then get to listen to them fumble their way through thirty second, idealistic answers to complex questions (or in this case, simple questions). At the end, a few of them cry and one wears a tiara. Every now and then, a contestant falls on her ass or loses her words, we laugh, it's all good. But, I mean, it's such a waste of time and money.

So why don't we just cut the bullshit? No one cares what the contestants have to say. No one gives a shit. That's why they have the swim suit section. It's all about tits and arse - not that I'm judging pageant viewers. But, if we expect pageant contestants to come up with answers to social, educational and environmental problems, then we're in a whole heap of trouble. Personally, I think we should ban pageants altogether. But, if we keep them, then the format must change.

Emphasis should be placed on efficiency, and giving the people what they want. Under my proposed system, each contestant would have 10 seconds to walk out in a robe, flash the audience, and then get off. This way, we could get through 50 contestants - that's 100 tits and 50 assess - in eight and half minutes. The winner could be crowned as the credits roll. The whole thing would take 10 minutes. It could be on at half time during Friday night football. Noice!

Does anyone really give a shit about horse flu?

Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but does anyone really give a flying fuck about horse flu? Obviously, I don't want horses to be sick or to suffer. But should this be front page news for four days? Over sixty people have died in Greece - burned alive by bush fires. The death toll will surely rise once authorities get a chance to go through the ruins of burnt houses. Where are our priorities?

Our Primary Industries Minister, Ian Macdonald told reporters, "The implication for the racing industry would be incredibly severe indeed. It is a virtual certainty there would be no races [at Randwick] for a month." What? No races for a month? Say it isn't so.

Federal Agriculture Minister Peter McGauran said it would be a miracle if race meetings went ahead this weekend and suggested that the Melbourne Cup, due to be held on November 6, should be delayed. "It is better to have a deferred Melbourne Cup than to have no Melbourne Cup at all." I say: who gives a shit? It's a fucking horse race! Leave the horses alone for a few weeks so they can get over the flu. Don't gamble for a month. If you absolutely have to gamble your money away, buy a scratchie.

MySpace and Facebook threaten my snobbish way of life

I don't like people. I don't like talking to people. I don't like listening to people. I don't like reading people's misspelled ramblings about their lives. I don't like pretending to care about what they're talking about. This is because I am a snob. I do not think that I am too good for other people. That would be elitist. I just think that other people aren't good enough for me. There is a difference.

This is a simple philosophy that is easy to put into practice. You just don't associate with people that you don't like - don't go to the places that these people frequent, don't answer their calls, don't mix with the same crowds. These tips are real time-savers. This philosophy has served me well for 25 years. Unfortunately, my snobbish way of life now faces a two-pronged threat: MySpace and Facebook.


MySpace and Facebook are social networking sites. They have been designed to allow people to interact and share ideas, photos, links, videos etc. This sounds great, and both sites are extremely popular. I have set up MySpace and Facebook accounts with the intention of recruiting Greek-Australian bilinguals for my research. But now something unexpected is occurring.

People who I used to know are contacting me. Some want to add me as their friend, while others just want to have a chat. This is usually fine. If the person is someone I went to school with, or worked with, we usually exchange hellos and niceties. Perhaps every now and then we catch up - it's kind of nice (but not essential). But what about people who I don't like? What do I do when people who I don't like, people who I despise, people who blow goats try to contact me or try to add me as their friend? What should I do? Is there an established MySpace or Facebook etiquette guide?


My gut reaction is to ignore them and their friend request. If I saw these people on the street I wouldn't hesitate, not for a second, as I passed them by. What should I do with their friend request? I usually do ignore them. But some people are persistent. They try again and again. What do you do then? Do you tell them to fuck off or do you add them to your friend list? Social networking sites are turning snobbery into very hard work. Not answering your phone is easy - it goes away quickly. Invites and messages are less transient. Friend requests trigger messages, and emails, and reminder emails, and so on.

Of course, in the case of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, the choice is clear: Deny. But what about when the choice is less clear? My solution is to create this blog post and to place a link to it on my Facebook and MySpace profile. Maybe people will find it on their own, read it and take the hint.

How to deal with lost research participants

The stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. I don't think that a day goes by without me helping some lost research participant find where they are going, find out when they should go there and whom they are going to see.

It's incredible that people volunteer to participate in research, but do not know where it is, what it's about, who it's with, or even when it is. The truth is, that part of the blame lies with us, the researchers. The SONA recruitment system uses 24-hour time. One poor girl was standing outside from 4 until 5:30pm. When I saw her, I asked who she was waiting for, and she told me that she had a 4 o'clock slot. When I checked her print-out, I saw that her research had been scheduled for 14:00. *sigh*

Over time, I have tried a number of different approaches and have found the following series of questions to be the most successful. Please feel free to add to the list. The questions are in order of time-saving-ness.

Participant: Um, excuse me. I'm here for some research thingy.

Researcher:

1. Is the research at MARCS?
2. Do you know who it's with?
3. Do you know what it's about?
4. Do you know when it's on?
5. Do you remember any of the words from the title? they usually say "something about language" ..not helpful
   
6. Do you know anything about the research that might help?
7. What looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like duck?
   
8. Do you know anything?