Becoming Greek(er)

You know, I've always considered myself to be Greek. I've never called myself Australian. I'm not sure why. Of course, when you're a kid, you don't really think about these sorts of things. But I remember asking myself one day "if I had to play for a national soccer team, would I play for Australia or Greece?" - a question that I took very seriously. "Of course you'd play for Greece," my sister reassured me. She was right, too. However, having grown up in Australia, some things about me just weren't quite right. I could never put my finger on it, but there was always something there, something you can't name, but can feel. I'm going to call it unGreekness. Now I know what you're thinking: surely that can't be right, not Mark, this must be a mistake. But alas, it is the truth. There have always been a few things about me that have been fundamentally unGreek. The things that I am talking about may seem insignificant or trivial to a xeno, but to a Greek, make that a true Greek, they are of unfathomable importance. By no means was I the only one lacking crucial Greek ingredients. Having attended a Greek highschool I can tell you that there are many unGreeks. But you should not despair, for there is hope. I am living proof. Keep reading my Australian friends, and Greeks, you too will benefit from the reminders that lie ahead. I invite you all on a journey with me as I take you through Marko's guide to becoming Greeker.

1. Now, as you probably know, my girlfriend Hellas and I have been together for a little over 5 years. If, my friends, you feel any doubt (no matter how small) re: your Greekness, the first step, your main goal, your number one priority, your goal in life is... to go out and find yourself a woman. Not just any woman. Just any woman will not do. You need a hot woman. You need a fast woman. You need a passion woman. You need an emotion woman. You need a Greek woman. And they don't come any Greeker than a woman named Hellas. She is Greece! Once you've got one, move on to step 2.
   
   
2. If you're really gonna be Greek, you're gonna need to learn how to eat. Don't start telling me you know how to eat already. You don't. Do you eat souvlaki (do not call it meat on a stick)? Do you eat taramosalata (do not call it pink fish egg dip)? Do you eat tzatziki (do not call it garlic sauce)? Do you eat olives? Do you eat feta cheese? Do you eat octopus? Is your table covered with a tablecloth? Do you marinate everything with lemon, garlic, olive oil and oregano? Do you eat bread with every meal? I'm not talking about Tip Top, I mean real bread. Do you tear the bread with your hands? Do you put the bread in your food? Do you eat yoghurt? Ski doesn't count, I mean real yoghurt? Do you eat bougatsa?
   If you answered "No" to any of the above questions read very carefully: you do not know how to eat. But don't lose heart. There is hope. Remember that woman you went out and got in Step 1? Well, she will slowly make you try all of the foods that you don't eat. Before you know it, you will be eating tarama, olives and tzatziki like a Greek native. It's a good thing, it will put hair on your chest. Once you've given up the battered savs and chiko rolls, move on to step 3.
   
   
3. Ok, up to this point it's been pretty easy. Finding a woman isn't the hardest thing in the world, and learning to eat is a simple behaviour modification exercise. However, this next step is the hardest of all. It is so difficult that I have broken it down into subsections. It is difficult because it is so internalised by all Greeks that it may be difficult for unGreeks to learn. As an overall characteristic of Greekness, I will call it manner. The first element (or subsection) of Greek manner is learning to use a complex system of hand gestures to complement every word that is coming out of your mouth. These movements should be sudden, far reaching, and occurring frequently. Two Greek people in a tight space such as an elevator will not speak to each other because there isn't sufficient arm room. So far, it has taken me about six hours to type up this post exactly because I am trying to gesture with my arms while typing. This skill is very difficult to master. My advice is to try to observe Greek people while they are talking and monitor their hand gestures closely. It is advisable that you find a Greek person speaking on a phone as they will most certainly be gesturing but won't be moving about too much, giving you time to take down notes.
   
   The second element of Greek manner is intonation. I can not emphasise how important intonation is. Whenever you are mad, excited, happy, proud, worried, confused, hungry, full, disgusted, or turned on, there is a corresponding Greek intonation that must be followed very strictly.
   
   The final element that will be described in this guide is learning the many strange Greek sayings. Greek has an idiom for everything. While there are too many to list here, I will provide you with a few of my favourites, translated into English, accompanied by English descriptions. I hope this guide has been helpful to you. The take home message is that it's never too late, no matter how Australian you are. Together we can make the world a Greeker place.

• at the devil's mum - a place far away
• your bad weather - I don't care much for your opinions or wants
• three are singing, two are dancing - something's not right / that's insane
  
• it fucks - I really like it / I think it's really good
• like a vagina hat - not feeling the best
• I come from the city, and at the mountain cinnamon - we're having trouble communicating
• as much as the goat pees - a little bit
• it's raining over there - this guy's got no clue
• you explode a donkey - you're quite challenging to communicate with
• I shat myself - I couldn't care less
• chairlegs are falling - it's raining heavily
• to bite the metal - to fall in love
• you stepped on the cat - you made an error
• devil black - I can't believe it
• the bad time's - not good / jinxed / evil
  
• the prostitute's baluster - chaos / havoc
• I'll fart on your balls - I don't like you much / I may hurt you
• I'll break you at wood - I will bash you
• you've taken a lot of air - you're speaking disrespectful