Escape from Fenner Hall

It was January 23-28. The year was 2007. I was to attend a workshop for research students at the Australian National University, Canberra. My course fees and airfare had been approved and paid for, however, my choice of accommodation was deemed too expensive, and alternative lodgings were arranged by the MARCS labs. The ANU on-campus rooms were occupied, so they booked me a room at Fenner Hall. The twin towers of Fenner Hall represent student accommodation gone wrong. For those of you who do not believe in hell, you should start believing because I have seen it with my own eyes, and it is called Fenner Hall. I was staying on level three, in cell room 360. Room 360 was two large steps wide and three and a half steps long. Inside was a bed, a wardrobe, a sink/desk, two chairs and a couple of shelves. It was located directly opposite the unisex toilet/bath/shower, and down the hall from the 24 hour laundry with the broken and clattering washing machine. Inside Room 360, the temperature was a constant 30 degrees due to the fact that it was located directly above the kitchen. Level three was home to 6 students and 13 million cockroaches. I was told that you multiply the number of roaches you see by one million (because that's how many you don't see). I saw 13 on my first night. I was also told to fumigate my luggage before I went home so that I don't take the cockies back home. Lovely.

For one week, my days consisted of walking in the freezing Canberra morning air (for 35 minutes) to the ANU campus, where I was met with an 8 hour workshop on statistics and research methods! Then I would have the pleasure of walking back to Fenner Hall in the boiling 35 degree Canberra afternoon sunshine. Upon my arrival, I would inspect my room for any surprise six-legged visitors, then eat something in the communal kitchen/tv room/dirty plate storage area. Afterwards, I would shower in the unisex bathroom/bath/shower before returning to cell room 360 to get dressed. I would spend the evenings watching the Australian Open on the wooden television in the communal kitchen/tv room/dirty plate storage area, before retiring to the bed in cell room 360 which was about 30 cm too short for me and would leave a charming line across the back of my calves when I arose the next morning.

Slowly the minutes became hours, which in turn became days. Friday came and I was ready to break out leave Fenner Hall. I completed the laughable, mandatory form. "Are the following items in your room: Bed, Cupboard, Chair" - these people were serious! Nah, the bed's gone. "Have you vacuumed the room and wiped down all surfaces?" And, they would charge $50 if you hadn't wiped and vacuumed! $50! The room was 3 square metres! I wrote on the form that I had only stayed there for five days and that I was not going to vacuum or wipe anything. In truth, I gave the shelves and the sink/desk a quick once over with my bath towel. I glanced back as I was leaving cell room 360. I stood there for a second, staring at the yellow sweat-outline of a person on the bedsheets. I made for the elevator as I felt an imaginary cockroach crawl down my back. I deposited my magnetic swipe key, access card and form in the returns slot on the ground floor and bolted out the front door... to freedom.

Mark bites the metal and steps on the cat

Mark and Hellas are getting engaged. Print it in the papers. Shout it from the roof tops. Put it on your blog. It's official. But just announcing it like this doesn't begin to do it justice. This event has been building up for years. Of course, we have known for some time we would end up together. However, in the last six months things have really started to cook.

In November, we went to Ron J. Crisp, jeweler on the third floor of the Dymocks building on George Street. Hellas described (in painstaking detail) the kind of engagement ring that she wanted. Ron told us that he would make whatever we wanted and not to worry. Five days later Ron told me that he had found our diamond, better than we had expected and under budget - a good deal. The diamond would be on the next plane out of Antwerp. The ring would be ready before Christmas. I tried throwing Hellas off the scent by telling her that the diamond was coming by ship and that it would be here after Christmas. But how was I going to propose?

I had thought about it many times. I could go all out and do something big and spectacular. But I didn't want to do something cliche and impersonal. I wanted it to be relevant and meaningful to us. I decided that I would do all of the things that Hellas always complained I never did. Believe me, it was quite a list! I decided that I would make the day unspectacular but private and genuine - I would do it at home. My mum spends weekends away, so Hellas and I usually have the house to ourselves. I decided that I would do the unthinkable: I would cook something. Now I know that this may sound unremarkable to most people, but keep in mind that all I know how to make is toast and tea. That's it. I'm not joking. The idea of me using knives and a stove is frightening. I received a call from Ron on Wednesday 13 December saying that the ring would be ready on the coming Tuesday. So Friday 15th was out. That left one Friday before Christmas, the 22nd. The week beginning Monday 18, I had to do a Matlab course at uni. Thinking ahead, I prepared Hellas by telling her that I had class from 9am-5.30pm every day. This would give me time to prepare things on Friday while Hellas would be at work and surprise her when she came over. The plan was coming together nicely. Mind you, the workshop really went from 10.30am-12.30pm. Tuesday came and I picked up the ring. I noticed that the edges didn't have little bumps, called milling. Ron told me that he could do it while I waited. I wanted to check with Hellas just to make sure. That night, I had a conversation with Hellas about what my wedding band would look like:
Mark: "Will it match your engagement ring?"
Hellas: "You mean the milling?"
Jackpot! "Yeah, um, tell me about that - what does it look like?" And Hellas spilt the beans. The following day I was back at the Dymocks building. Ron fixed the ring as I waited, and I took the ring home. "How was your course today babe?" "Good thanks." ;)

That night, my mum dropped the bombshell. She wouldn't be leaving until Saturday lunch time. "Why not?" "I've got things to do." Shit. Friday's out. What could I do? I've got a ring sitting in my draw. I waited till Hellas went home and started hatching another devious plan. I would wait until my mum left and go ahead with my original plan, but on Saturday 23rd at luch time. I told Hellas that after my course I would stay home on Friday and do some PhD work, and that I would get her on Saturday and take her out for lunch. She believed my lies. Fantastic! Friday came and someone from Hellas' work was leaving. We were invited to Friday night farewell drinks. But I had imaginary uni work to do. I bitched and moaned about going, but there was no getting out of it. I still had to keep the deception believable. We went in Hellas' car. I offered to be the designated driver. She got drunk (on one Midori) so I took her home and drove to my house in her car. I now had both cars. Things were coming together very nicely. I told Hellas that I'd call her when I woke up.

I woke up at 8 o'clock on Saturday morning, got changed and went to the shops. I bought 5 souvlakia, 3 tomatoes, 2 cucumbers, a Spanish onion, pesto, chocolate ice cream, fudge, bread, and tealight candles. Shit. I couldn't find any banana gelato. They only had lime gelato. Who the fuck eats lime gelato? I started freaking out. In a moment of inspiration, I grabbed a box of 10 banana Paddlepops. On the way out, I grabbed a bunch of flowers from the florist too. I sped home and hid the groceries in the draws of my desk. The time was 9.35am. Now all I had to do was wait for my mum to come home and get her out fast. She came home at 10.15. Plenty of time. At 10.30am, I called Hellas and put on a sleepy voice: "I just woke up babe *yawn* pick you up at 12:30-1pm, ok? Bye." I thought that I should suss my mum out, just to be safe. "Mum, I'm leaving at 12.30." "I'll probably still be around then." WHAT? "I need to fix the bed and vacuum the house." WHAT? She started washing the dishes. I started sweating. I had to act, now. I went into her bed room and fixed the bed. I also tidied my own bed. Then I sat on the computer and created a playlist of Hellas' favourite romantic songs. "Mark, did you fix the bed?" My mum was staring at me in disbelief. I asked if she needed help with anything else. Vacuuming! I got the vacuum cleaner from the laundry. As I was searching for a power point, I realised that I didn't have the faintest idea of what I was doing. Lets just say that I managed to plug it in, then what? How would I turn it on? "Are you trying to get rid of me, Mark?" "Don't be silly, mum." Get out now! She finished her chores and was out the door by 12 with a confused look on her face. It was time to start preparing.

I leapt out of my chair, cleared the small table in the backyard and brought it inside. I placed the food in the right places, chopped the tomatoes and onion, prepared the Greek salad. I placed candles down the hallway and scattered flowers down the hallway, too. Everything was ready.

I picked Hellas up and pretended to be super stressed out about my work. "I'm in a foul mood." I swore at other drivers and snapped at Hellas: "Are you trying to piss me off?" She went quiet, and later told me that she nearly cried. Maybe I went a little overboard. I wanted to throw her off the scent. I did. "I forgot my wallet. I'll stop at home for two seconds and get it." I went inside, lit the candles, and went back outside. "I can't find my wallet. We're not going anywhere. Come in, or stay in the car. I don't care." As Hellas walked up the stairs, no doubt questioning my sanity, I clicked Play and her song began. As she stepped inside the front door, she smiled. She saw the candles and heard her song. I led her in and sat her down. She loved her flowers. I made bruschetta and put the souvlakia to cook. We drank wine and finished the bruschetta. Soon the souvlakia were ready., and we had them with Greek salad. I prepared her favourite dessert: banana split. I had bought special tear-shaped bowls, sliced bananas down the middle, and added chocolate ice cream and banana Paddlepop sliced off the bone paddlepop stick. Hellas couldn't believe it. She thought it was a dream. She had been waiting so long for everything. It was then that I asked her. She couldn't respond. She was wearing the ring but hadn't said yes. I asked her just to make sure. "Yes."